The loneliness that comes with awakening, healing, and becoming more authentic can be terrifying! When old relationships are still stuck in destructive, limiting patterns, it can feel like being your true self means you’re going to live a lone wolf life, and die alone someday as a mountain cave hermit! Even in a crowded room of people you want to connect with, the chats leave a bad taste in your mouth, and the desire to get out of there gives you an anxious feeling in your stomach.
Fortunately, this is normal…and there is hope!
If you yearn for authentic connections, genuine fulfilment in relationships, and effective communication that leaves you able to relax to the depths of your nervous system, but you’re finding it hard to find the people who align with your vibe, then this episode is for you.
Featuring return guest Dr Nicole LePera, The Holistic Psychologist, we dive deep into how to have more fulfilling relationships. Nicole is a best-selling author of How to Do The Work, How To Meet Yourself and How to be the love you seek. She’s the heart behind the Instagram page The Holistic Psychologist, and creator of the Self Healers Circle community. Through her platforms and books, she supports millions of people around the world in healing themselves so they can return to the love and worthiness which are their birthrights.
We chat about relationships, inspired by Nicole’s new book, How To Be The Love You Seek, so listen on to learn how you can find more of the intimacy, depth, and authenticity you dream of from your romantic, and personal relationships.
In this episode you will:
- Discover why being authentic is crucial for true connection and fulfilment.
- Understand the importance of expanding your support circles.
- Find out how to communicate effectively in relationships by considering the emotional state of all parties involved.
- Explore the concept of interdependence and how it can lead to more fulfilling connections with others.
- And, of course, so much more!
Links to Nicole LePera, The Holistic Psychologist:
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[00:00:00] Nathan Maingard: If you're someone who's been waking up, healing, and becoming more of the authentic person that you came here to be, then I imagine you know that it can get super scarily lonely at times. When old relationships are still stuck in those destructive, limiting patterns, it can feel like being your true self means you're gonna live a lone wolf life and die alone as a mountain cave hermit.
[00:00:30] Even in a crowd of room of people you maybe want to connect with, the conversations just leave that bad taste in your mouth and the desire to get out of there leaves you with that anxious feeling rolling in your stomach. Fortunately, this is normal and there is hope. If you are yearning for deeper, more authentic connections, genuine fulfillment in relationships, and effective communication that leaves you able to relax to the depths of your being, but you're finding it hard to find the people who [00:01:00] align with your vibe, then this episode is for you. Featuring return guest Dr. Nicole Lepera, the holistic psychologist, We dive deep into how to have more fulfilling relationships and how to be the love you seek.
[00:01:13] Nicole is a best selling author of How to Do the Work, How to Meet Yourself, and now, How to Be the Love You Seek. She's the heart behind the Instagram page, The Holistic Psychologist, which has, I think, around 6 million followers at this point. She's also the creator of the Self Healers Circle community.
[00:01:30] Through her platforms and books, she supports millions of people around the world in healing themselves, so they can return to the love and worthiness which are... All of our birthrights. We chat about relationships in today's episode, inspired by Nicole's new book, how to be the love you seek. So listen on to learn how you can find more of the intimacy, depth, and authenticity you dream of from your romantic and personal relationships. In this episode, you'll discover why being authentic is crucial for true [00:02:00] connection and fulfillment. Understand the importance of expanding your support circles.
[00:02:04] Find out how to communicate effectively in relationships by considering the emotional state of all parties involved. We'll explore the concept of interdependence and how it can lead to more fulfilling connections with others And, of course, so much more.
[00:02:19] When you hear the words, we are already free, what comes up for you? Acceptance. Change. The shift in awareness. Human beings are so powerful. That's so much more. Everything is love behind it. Breaking the chains of your own minds. That which remains. Nature. Getting out of the matrix. We're sitting on the treasure and it's already unlocked.
[00:02:38] We are already free. You're free. You are a walking map. Have always been free. You are always free. Already free. We are already free.
[00:02:47] Nathan Maingard: I don't want to take any more time in the intro here, I want us to get straight into the chat with Nicole. But if you are a fan of this podcast, listen to the end to hear me wax lyrical and emotional about how cool it is that this is episode 50 of the [00:03:00] podcast.
[00:03:01] I'll share some of the challenges, the moments where I've nearly given up, and what it is that has carried me through to this point and will carry us all onwards together. And now, a brief word from our sponsor. Me.
[00:03:13] Are you tired of starting your days hitting the snooze button too many times, then eventually groggily reaching over to your phone and getting lost in mindless scrolling? Break free and reclaim your mornings with my five day morning practice challenge. Transform your life, kickstart positivity, and leave the doom scrolling behind. Join now at alreadyfree.me/yes, and take the first step towards a more beautiful life. And now please enjoy this episode of the we are already free podcast.
[00:03:44] So this is the final of your trilogy, which is, it's so cool to like, I mean, it amazes me cause it's like you planned the whole thing out and maybe you did plan the whole thing out before you even started, but it just all fits together so well.
[00:03:55] And I kind of want to dive in with, maybe a. Well, it feels like a [00:04:00] relevant question to me because I'm very curious about it. And it came up when I was looking at the title and just thinking about what this book, how to be the love you seek is about, and this is that you yourself are in what is considered by society standards, a very unconventional relationship and.
[00:04:16] I saw a quote of yours somewhere and I hope they quoted you correctly, but it said filled with joy, filled with tears, filled with laughs, filled with so much humbling learning about myself and what it is to be in an authentic relationship. So this was in relation to you being in life partnership with two other women and I am just like, so curious to know how that has colored this book and like what you needed to learn or how, how they're intertwined, basically the book and your relationships, if you're okay to share that.
[00:04:50] Nicole LePera: 100 percent and actually even going back to the question somewhat of whether or not this trilogy was planned and I could say that it was and it [00:05:00] wasn't. It wasn't an intentional thought of these are the three books That I want to kind of roll out in this sequence though It was to the extent that I think it's a very natural progression of a healing journey. The first book You know, 'how to do the work', is really about observing our conditioning, seeing all the ways that we're not being this authentic self, to kind of wrap it into this question that you're now asking me, and then of course the workbook in between was the really practical manual because I know for myself and I was like, okay I know this concept of authentic self, you know, how do I get there?
[00:05:32] And there's a lot that involves, the body and the nervous system and regulation, so I thought it would be really helpful then to roll out a workbook to really guide readers through that. And then I think the next natural place as we're healing that we either continue to struggle, or want to see changes, is within our relationships.
[00:05:50] And so again, going back to this idea of being authentically who we are connected, as you'll read in the pages of 'how to be the love you seek', to our heart space. I believe that is [00:06:00] the, if we were to say, the physiological house of our authentic self, and how to begin to express that in relationships.
[00:06:07] So then now to speak to the evolution in my own individual journey and of course mapping that onto my relationship journey as I got really clear and committed and created space more, I should say that first because I wasn't clear. on what my perspectives were, what my emotions were. I'd lived so much of my time disconnected out of protection from my early childhood, not having the emotional attunement that I needed, that it really was a process of creating space for myself in whatever relationship that I was in.
[00:06:36] And I was in a committed relationship with a romantic partner throughout. Coming to the awareness that there was a lot of dysfunctional patterns, a lot of ways that I wasn't honoring my wants my needs my perspectives and my emotions. So as I and my partner at the time, I'm very grateful, she too was on a similar healing journey. Very much committed to authenticity in her own individual life And of course in our relationship [00:07:00] together, so walking side by side Exploring our deeper selves in the context of our relationship, creating the safety and security to begin to do that, it really allowed us to, as we somewhere along the way met now, who was our third partner named Jenna who started to actually build the business with us, the self healer circle, seeing that we needed help right from the, the jump of so many people of interest coming in so many members and not having necessarily the team to support it.
[00:07:28] She living her own healing journey, very much in alignment with the type of work that we were doing and wanting to teach it and. You know, facilitate a community type atmosphere. It was really you know, intuitive thought to be like, of course, you're going to join us. And then several years in to us working very closely together, by that time we had relocated, we were now living in physical proximity together. And I think the three of us started to have, you know, wonderings and questions and attractions and desires to explore beyond what [00:08:00] was the committed, more monogamous partnership. And just speaking from my own experience, I had never been or considered being in any sort of open type, poly type relationship.
[00:08:10] So for me, it was, you know, a new shift, it was to speak to the point of authenticity. It was one that I was really committed to wanting to create the opportunity to explore. And once I had heard from my partner, the initial primary partner, Lolly though I don't think of it in terms of primary primary, just being the first she too was having similar desires as well.
[00:08:32] And I wanted to gift her with the possibility for her also to explore that space. So after conversations and a little bit of Googling to discover, well, do people even do this? What is this? You know, and I think naturally I, we were feeling a little alone and like, well, is this normal, so to speak and not having much guidance or many models at that time.
[00:08:55] Um, We still were committed again, all three of us to our hearts, to what our heart was saying. [00:09:00] And of course I, I kind of mapped that onto a lot of the topics in 'how to be the love you seek'. By, by no case or by any means, it's not a book about expanding your relationships, but my hope is that it's a book for all of us about reconnecting with whatever the truth is in our heart and creating the safety and the security to be, or to express that truth in whatever relationship that it is. And so now to speak to that quote, I mean, yes, it, with an expanded relationship, there's two now separate individuals, two separate dynamics both adaptive and dysfunctional that we're bringing in and recreating. And, you know, with it on the other side
[00:09:34] a lot of moments,
[00:09:35] Of joy a lot of moments of really deep love, deep connection that can be very unique to having three people in interaction in any given time or any relationship.
[00:09:44] And also the uniqueness that I have with each of them as individuals.
[00:09:49] Nathan Maingard: Yeah, it feels so intertwined around, Like it must require, and I'm saying this from the outside of not having been involved in anything other than really monogamous. Like [00:10:00] 99 percent with little forays here and there of dipping toes and then being like, actually, it's quite nice out of the water. but I, I really like projecting into it.
[00:10:09] I think, wow, it must take a, a real honesty, a real depth of willingness to go to the most uncomfortable, most vulnerable, most terrifying places of, am I enough? Does this mean that I'm now not enough? Does this mean that there's something wrong or why can't I fulfill everything or, all those kinds of stories that then go, well, why do I have that story in the first place?
[00:10:33] And I imagine that's something you speak to in the book.
[00:10:35] Nicole LePera: I really appreciate you kind of pulling this to light because I do think a lot of us have stories, expectations, whatever you want to call it. that one relationship, just talking about primary partnership, right? We kind of define what we think that entails. And then we look to, even those of us that will continue to choose to be in a monogamous relationship, we look to that one person to check all of the boxes that we imagine, you [00:11:00] know, are contained in romantic relationships.
[00:11:01] And just as much as we do it with friendships, right, this is what a friend is. So now I look at all of the unique individuals that I might decide to be a friend to or with, and I expect all of them to play the same role, to do the same things. And what I've begun to really understand in myself, and I think quite globally as a society,
[00:11:21] is that when we do that, I think we really do limit the individuality and the diversity and the possibility, as I talk about in the new book, for true interdependence, which is really honoring the uniqueness of every individual. And yes, you might continue to be romantically committed in a monogamous way to one individual, though, my hope and the concept I talk about is an expanded relationship, of course, mine includes a romantic, a physical component.
[00:11:49] So for those that don't, choose that, my hope is that even those of us that have that one committed romantic partnership. We stop putting an expectation that is, in my [00:12:00] opinion, unrealistic, on one person. And we can expand, you know, our, our support circles, our friendships, our community, to help us to meet other needs that either the individual that we're committed to, you know, can't.
[00:12:16] Or can't in this moment, because we all have a capacity that we reach and I think we really do our relationships a disservice when, for very understandable reasons, right, our partner can't be available to us, they have things going on in their own life, maybe with their own families of origin, maybe at work, right, and they're not able to support us in the way and then we really limit ourselves from gaining that support. And sometimes, you know, project onto that relationship then, "oh, well, they're not supportive. What's wrong with them? I need them to be there for me right now because I have this need," and again to really simplify it, my hope is that as we unlearn a lot of the conditioning that many of us have Within our relationships we can start to kind of expand the possibility that other [00:13:00] people, you know, can share our interests, can emotionally support us in ways when we need it outside of, again, these very limit, limited, defined definitions that many of us give to relationship in general.
[00:13:14] Nathan Maingard: Yeah, you're speaking to something for me that's been coming up a lot in the last few years, especially around relationships in my case, specifically relationships with men. And I've, I rejoined a powerful men's circle about a year and almost a year and a half ago around there. And what I've noticed in it, one of the, cause I didn't exactly know what, what it was going to be like having such a consistent space that's outside of my relationship with my partner, Carly where I get to share things that, that I know are safe, you know, that I can share this stuff and no one else will ever hear this stuff.
[00:13:50] This is mine to share with these men. And I found that I've actually Taken some of the pressure off Carly because of it. And that's been an amazing thing to [00:14:00] notice is that I don't, I realize I was actually oversharing and I, and I wonder, I'd love to hear you speak to this actually, because in hindsight, noticing that I thought that it was important that I actually shared everything.
[00:14:12] I really did. I was like, that's how to be in a good relationship. As I tell her every worry, every fear, every doubt, every good thing, every bad thing, like across the board. And what I realized, is that by doing so at least in the context of our relationship and again, I'd love to hear you speak to that I mean, maybe I imagine there are different ways people could make agreements about that. But that within the context it was like I was I was basically flooding her With so much intensity that at times it freaked her the fuck out to put it very directly and as as fair enough and it's It's really created a spaciousness, having another space where I can take that for me and for her as well.
[00:14:51] So yeah, anything that comes up for you there, I'd love to hear.
[00:14:53] Nicole LePera: I think the, the main thing that's coming up is when we want to have a conversation. Right, [00:15:00] whatever it is, share, you know, kind of something that's deeply within our heart. Like you're saying, share all of the truths that are within there. When we want to have a difficult conversation about something dynamically happening within the relationship, when we want to repair or, you know, reconnect after a moment of disconnection or conflict, we're leading right from not only the oftentimes very well intentioned, and I can make a case, important desire, Right, to be honest, to be authentic, to reconnect, to have these conversations, put words to them and share our perspective or our emotions so that someone else, right, can know us can resonate or can be empathetic that, or like attune emotionally to us.
[00:15:40] While that's often, like for all of those reasons that I just now suggested, is very important and helpful and necessary to be known and attuned to emotionally in our relationships. There's two people involved in the conversation, right? And I think so often what I've been learning is, and this would come up a lot too previously [00:16:00] when I did a lot of work individually with couples in a traditional setting, I did a lot of couples work. I was a couples therapist for some time.
[00:16:06] and when, right, we want to communicate, and we can have all the skills in the world to communicate our perspectives, our side of things, our emotions, though communication is really a two way street. And the more, more important role than saying things in the exact way is what state, what emotional state? Is the person that I'm communicating to calm, grounded, open, receptive?
[00:16:31] Can they physiologically, I'm going to talk about, continue to talk about the nervous system in this relationship book. It's all really built around our physiological capability or incapability of shifting perspective. So so much like saying that in a very simplified way is if the person I'm trying to communicate to even if I say it in the most eloquent way, even if I kind of unearth this deepest truth that I want them to know, if I'm flooding them, they're overwhelmed for [00:17:00] reasons in because of what I'm sharing for reasons outside of the relationship, because of what happened in their day or what emotional state they're in, they're not going to be able to receive The communication and then because both of our nervous systems are communicating with each other outside of our awareness, right?
[00:17:17] Then we kind of start pinging back and forth like dominoes, right? If someone is not grounded in a reactive state for whatever reason, even if we're calm and grounded, when we begin the conversation, we're going to, our nervous system is going to feel those signals of stress. And then we're going to become stressed ourselves, right?
[00:17:35] And then do whatever it is that we do when we habitually become stressed, maybe screaming and yelling that they're not listening to us because maybe they're becoming distracted, trying to regulate the fact that they're feeling flooded or overwhelmed. Maybe we're going to shut down because they feel a little shut down or they feel distant to us, or maybe they became reactive because of something we said, right?
[00:17:55] Touched upon something similar that had happened to them in the past. And now they have [00:18:00] emotions that completely predate even this conversation, right? And now we're shutting down because they're, we're feeling their intensity. So there are, you know, two people in every conversation. I talk a lot about, again, the nervous system giving a lot of tools to be able to understand when we're first and foremost in that calm, grounded state. Because a lot of us share our deepest truths in the heat of an argument when we're dysregulated, right? When we're screaming something at the top of our lungs that you know We just need to get off our chest right now And that's not going to serve the conversation if our nervous system is already feeling stressed and threatened. We're not going to be able to communicate it in a way that can possibly be heard. And then furthermore if they're not in a calm grounded state or whomever it is that we're communicating to, right, if they're becoming flooded, just to return to your example, then they're not going to be able to hear the conversation.
[00:18:51] So I give a lot of tools to be able to understand what state our nervous system is in, what state our partners are in, but though to even speak to your point, right, things [00:19:00] happen in individual lives and having other places, if for whatever reason you're in a period of time or a season where your partner can't be or around a certain topic, right?
[00:19:09] Which does maybe activate your partner to have these other groups like your men's group, like friends. To be able to share the things and get them off our chest is incredibly important.
[00:19:21] Nathan Maingard: Yeah. I keep thinking about that saying it takes a village to raise a child. And then also I extend that into, it feels like it takes a village to be a human in a way, like actually,
[00:19:33] Nicole LePera: I couldn't agree more and I think a lot about even just our ancestral, our evolutionary roots. I mean, even to speak to this conversation, we did not grow, grow or evolve as a species living as separately as we do. There were villages around children, there were villages around us as individuals gaining the support from others, seeing other models of, of beingness. Gaining support if we do choose to procreate and have [00:20:00] children ourselves. We weren't the only caregivers around. So, and I do think that there has been a, a shift, you know, at least here in the West away from even being physically or geographically, I should say, close to family. A lot of us are living as transplants in cities where we struggle.
[00:20:17] I remember the loneliest years of my life were right after I graduated college. I went to college in upstate New York, and I knew I wanted to live in a city, and I knew I didn't want to go back necessarily to my home city, which was Philadelphia, so I picked the next closest city, which was New York City.
[00:20:33] I'm in a city of how many millions of people? And I've never felt so alone and struggled so much to make friends. That first year, a year and a half, almost two years living among people. And I think that really just illustrates how separate so many of us are living and then how unsupported we're living as a result of it.
[00:20:53] And even going back, like I said, to our roots, we're not wired to live in this separate siloed, even [00:21:00] stressful environment of cities or so much, you know, to be said in terms of we're not wired to, at least, thrive in those in those environments. Yet so many of us, for many different reasons, find ourself living disconnected in overwhelming, you know external structures like cities with loud noises and close people living on top of us and everything that is activating in terms of our nervous system
[00:21:24] Nathan Maingard: I've noticed one of the things, and I think this probably speaks to what you're talking about. And again, always excited to hear what you think. But I've noticed with actually specifically two of my clients, what my coaching clients who actually came to me for different things.
[00:21:38] One of them specifically came, he was like, I want to have more intimacy in my life. He's like, I don't feel, I want, I want partnership. I want intimacy. And I was like, well, that's a big ask in terms of like, sure, sign up and we'll, we'll get you a relationship. No worries. But but so, so we really, as always just focused in on him and just got clear on like, what was in the way, what was he, what was [00:22:00] he, what were the stories he was telling himself?
[00:22:01] Where was he at in, in, in kind of his personal narrative, all the rest of it. And a few, a few months after we worked together, I think just when we were finishing up, He met someone and they've moved in together a few months ago. So congrats if he's listening right now, he knows who he is. and then by the same token, another client who, her thing was more around just meaning and work that is meaningful and, and finding more meaning in her career and her sort of professional life.
[00:22:25] And through this work, which is similar work actually was like, where was she in her story? Where was she in her purpose, her alignment with who she is, her authenticity. So really starting to unpack and uncover that. And lo and behold, she's recently met a partner and at that level that she wants to be with someone.
[00:22:41] And that wasn't even. A part of the real conversation we were having within the scope of the work. And, and it's given me this thing, which you will obviously know way more about, but like, it seems to me that as I, as we, as individuals align more with their authentic self, there's a certain resonance that starts to move [00:23:00] and that we can begin to discover our people, whether that's a romantic relationship or friendships or et cetera.
[00:23:05] And I, yeah, I would just love to hear your, your reflections on that.
[00:23:08] Nicole LePera: I'm always so interested and not surprised by whenever I do get asked similarly, right? How do I find? the job, my purpose, my passion, you know, that's really for me. How do I find the friend group? Something that I hear very commonly, which is again, another inspiration for this book is I'm lonely. I want authentic relationships.
[00:23:29] Where do I find my people? Where do I find my friends? And then... Expanding that, like your client, where do I find my romantic relationships? And I think most times the expectation that my response is, is, Oh, well, here's where you go. Here's what you say, right? Here's how you, and it's never, you know, I think as often I frustrate people cause that's not my response.
[00:23:50] My response is more inward, right? Well, are you connected to, in the sake of the conversation on your work, right, what your purpose and passion are? And I can speak [00:24:00] just from my own honest lived experience. I didn't even think I had a purpose and a passion well through my early thirties. I was so stuck in survival mode and all of the nervous system dysregulation that came along with that.
[00:24:12] That. Having the space to think about purpose and passion. I truly believed I did not get that genetic chip. I thought, oh, well, some people just have those and I don't. And I've come to realize that it's because I was living so out of alignment. My body was so, I was overstepping my physical limits. I was not connected to my emotions at all.
[00:24:35] I didn't feel safe enough. And yes, I had a job, that's needless to say, I had a, you know, what one may call a very successful career after a lot of schooling, a very successful private practice, yet I did not feel passionate or purposeful because again, I wasn't living in that alignment. So, similarly, right, I started to feel very lonely.
[00:24:53] I had a lot, well, I did make friends after that first couple years in New York and I had a very active social life. I was busy and I tried to keep myself [00:25:00] busy, actually, to keep myself separate from all of the overwhelming emotions that I could not handle on my own. I was always in a relationship, I always had plans, usually 6, nights a week, right, always doing something.
[00:25:13] planning all of my time. So it's not to say that I wasn't around people, though, as I got clearer on who I was and began to create space to show up in more alignment, honor myself and my relationships, I started to feel separate from a lot of even longterm relationships, high school friends, you know, that I'd carried with me and was starting to then desire, much like many of the people that you're working with, that I see in the community, I wanted authentic relationships. And I knew that to find those people, To speak to now this residence piece, the way to them was to continue to live in alignment with who I was, with sharing my perspective and not watering it down or censoring it because I'm afraid of what someone might think of it.
[00:25:55] I'm afraid of them misinterpreting it. The social media account, actually the holistic [00:26:00] psychologist was the first space where I created the possibility for me to begin to share in that authentic way. It also meant sharing my actual emotions. And my wants and my needs. And I mean, I, along the way, I really dove into different science than, of course I was taught in my schooling. And one of the most impactful pieces that I've learned is kind of the science of energy and how, at our core, right, this core, I think that many of us are looking for, is actually in an energy state. As much as, of course, you and I are looking at each other, you know, we see everyone in terms of their physical being. We're also made of energy at our essence, and so living in alignment and, you know, in my opinion means living in that more authentic, that energetic fingerprint, we can kind of call it.
[00:26:51] What some of us might call our spirit, our soul, our essence, I just use that word, right? This idea of what is my vibration? And when I'm [00:27:00] regulated in my nervous system. When I'm calm and grounded in my presence. When I'm aligned with what my perspectives are, what my emotions are, what that truth is in my heart that we were talking about earlier. And when I'm expressing that without censorship, without suppressing it. When I'm being that outwardly, Because the rest of the environment around us, humans included, are other energies, expressions. We really, I could, I love the science of it, and so this is, I was really fascinated. Now I can map it on to, oh, this makes sense.
[00:27:28] Right, what can feel like woo woo and energy and vibrations and right just vibrate to that which you want, I never land it until I understood how that could possibly work and it could work again. So as we shed the conditioning as we find our passion our purpose as we be ourself or embrace our authentic self expression, then the energy that we're sending out to communicate with the world around us is one that is authentic and unique to us.
[00:27:56] And then I truly do see scientifically how that [00:28:00] creates what could feel like the law of attraction, right? This vibrational, you know, attraction point where, and just to wrap my story complete, as I was more of myself on the Instagram account, I found a beautiful community that was safe that I could continue to be myself with. That seeing their similar experiences in the comments. Them authentically sharing their resonance allowed me to be more authentically who I am. And then that allowed me to have a really difficult conversation about myself professionally, which was that I didn't resonate with doing that kind of one on one traditional work that I had once been doing.
[00:28:39] Now I found a passion and a purpose in what I would kind of label as being more of kind of a teacher. I love to understand information. I love to have conversations in this context or in my membership Self Healer Circle, or in books about information that people can then use on their own journeys. And then as we talked about in the beginning I found myself [00:29:00] toward.
[00:29:00] A more authentic romantic relationship, some really great authentic friendships now all because I didn't do anything outward necessarily. I didn't have the right conversation or go to the right environment. I just focused on being me, right? And then I found those points of attraction.
[00:29:17] Nathan Maingard: There's so many gems in here. And there's one of the things that I just want to like bring back into the light for a moment is how lonely it can be in the transformational process.
[00:29:27] And I just really want to honor someone listening right now because I actually feel emotional talking about it because I've spoken to so many people and I've experienced it myself. There is a dying that happens in this transformation and that i've got full goosebumps right now, because that death is literally the valley of the shadow of death, when all the friendships start to fade and the old relationship dynamics and the old self, that actually felt very comfortable in many ways, starts to go. And it can be incredibly lonely and incredibly scary.
[00:30:05] Nicole LePera: Nathan, I had chills too, hearing you say that. And there is so much grief. And again, the reality, I had to speak from my own lived experience. I was not equipped to deal with the grief, the loss. The actual physical pain that comes when we don't feel those connections that we intrinsically need.
[00:30:25] I cite in my book and it's validated by research that loneliness, being disconnected from the social bonds activates the physical pain center in our brain. So for anyone listening, right, it is physically painful, right? And again, we're not, many of us at least aren't equipped to deal with the deep grief and the deep pain that we feel in this kind of version of isolation. It feels for me just speaking again from my experience feels unsafe To be alone, in a family that completely lacked [00:31:00] boundaries that was enmeshed or codependent on a very surface level, though I was deeply emotionally alone, right?
[00:31:06] Solitude, silence by myself, even this whole process of inner exploration that we've kind of been indirectly talking about, going inward and exploring myself, felt physiologically unsafe. And what I was compelled or instinctually wanted to do is to avoid aloneness, right? To not take the time I need just to continue engaging in these surface or inauthentic relationships just because they filled my time or offered distraction or the familiar way I knew myself to be.
[00:31:36] And again, this is why I continue to emphasize that healing is so much a function of our body's ability to embrace that separation. For me in childhood, silent separation brought me back to all of the times my mom would give me the silent treatment when she was not ill intentioned. She was unable herself to tolerate whatever she was feeling. Disappointment, anger, upset, around whatever was [00:32:00] happening in our relationship, or however it was that I was being, that was activating those feelings in her. And the only way she could deal with it was to remove herself and stop speaking to me.
[00:32:10] So in moments of silence and stillness, right, all of that pain and emotional dysregulation comes up. So to embrace everything that we're talking about, again, it's really a function of including our body of honoring the very real grief, sometimes the physical pain, that we're feeling when we're in those moments of loneliness. To create the ability in our bodies to tolerate all of the stress that comes along with, with the healing journey. And I think again, just to kind of end on this piece, cause this is very present for me still to this day, sometimes the shame and guilt that we feel if, especially if we've been the ones creating either directly or indirectly the separation.
[00:32:55] There's still relationships that I thought I would have for a lifetime [00:33:00] that are no longer active or present in my life because I was the one who began to move myself away into more authentic relationships. And to this day, I still think of several of them in feelings of guilt, I feel badly, right?
[00:33:15] That I'm not able to be in the relationship with that person as I once was. I feel shameful that I wasn't able to evolve the relationship or bring it with me. And so I, I think that's another part of it that I just wanted to speak to, especially as we're the ones creating the change. I think some of us can then hang on to that guilt or that shame that we've done somehow done something wrong.
[00:33:39] And I, like I said, I still have moments where I'm like, Oh, I feel bad. I look back. I feel like I was the, the bad person for creating the separation that I needed.
[00:33:49] Nathan Maingard: Thank you for speaking to that. I do feel big emotions when I hear you and just honoring that part of myself as well. The mistakes I have made and the relationships that are [00:34:00] currently silent and maybe forever will be. It's just a huge honoring and it's, and it's an honoring and also just sucks at times.
[00:34:09] It's just sad. And so to just like be in that, like, fuck, didn't think that one was going to go that way. So thank you. I really appreciate that. I want to ask, so you said a moment ago around, like we've kind of, you know, we, I think we've said it pretty clearly throughout, but I'd like to give you an opportunity really to go very to the point.
[00:34:29] If your book could transform its reader in one way, what, what would you hope that it would bring that, that person?
[00:34:37] Nicole LePera: I would hope that it will empower anyone who picks up the book to begin the journey, because I will never say that it's an overnight quick fix, but begin the journey to being more safely and securely connected to who they are. While it is a relationship book and even going back to what we were just talking about: the clearer [00:35:00] we are on who we are, the more able we're to remain calm and grounded in our self expression and our individual perspectives and our emotions and our wants and our needs, the more likely than we become to be in those interdependent relationships that aren't where we're sacrificing ourself in any way. And again, this brings up for a lot of us, I think, conditioning where we've been taught and lived the experience maybe of needing to be selfless, right? A martyr, a caregiver who's only worried about someone else to be worthy of that love and connection and relationship.
[00:35:36] Where we've watered ourself down so completely, that we're not in our individual self expression. So what true interdependence is, is the safety and the security. And what I hope the, the takeaway from the book is, is how to do our side of that. To be so uniquely the beautiful being that each of us are, that when we do relate to others, whether it's [00:36:00] romantically, platonically, in friendships, our family, especially, professionally.
[00:36:05] Right, that our grounded presence, because again, I speak all of the science of how that's even possible in terms of through co regulation, creating the safety in the space through concepts like social coherence, being in that alignment state that we were talking about earlier, allowing then others around us to be more likely being in their own energetic or physiological alignment, or really simply be themselves.
[00:36:29] And that is, I think, the greatest gift that I hope to leave the collective for beyond the time when I'm physically present here in any of my work, really, but in this work in particular is how do I create that container of safety and that security within myself, my physical body, my emotional body, so that I can be more of who I am.
[00:36:50] So that I can quite literally like those dominoes I was referencing earlier, pinging back the stress. Instead of those stress signals, because I have really kind of [00:37:00] high hopes For what can happen globally if as we each begin to embrace this alignment the safety and the security, this individual state of heart brain coherence. That it can energetically begin to shift The whole world around us, our communities and our world our shared humanity across the globe. Because we are energetic beings that are sending out those signals.
[00:37:24] And as we do this and embrace this journey of ourselves, the signals that have once been very stressful, that I think is really indicated or emphasized, illustrated, I think is the word I'm looking for in much of the conflict that we see on such a grand, devastating scale, now. I do have the hope. That we can each, as, as helpless as I think, as we feel and powerless is understandably to feel when we, you know, don't feel like we can actually do anything.
[00:37:52] I believe this is the path to doing something so grand, and so healing. Is living in our alignment, being safe and [00:38:00] secure, being ourselves and giving everyone the gift of the opportunity to do the same.
[00:38:05] Nathan Maingard: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for speaking to that. I, I often think of a story. I Don't know if you've heard of Immaculee Ilibageza. If that name rings a bell for you. Yeah, so she, I forget, I really need to look this up because I tell the story so much, but I haven't gone back to the details. She is from a country in Africa and she was an unfortunate victim of one of the terrible genocides that happened.
[00:38:34] And she survived because her neighbor, it was basically two tribes, one tribe kind of took over and, and. Massacred the other tribe million like many many I think a million people it was a crazy amount of people and her neighbor was a priest from the other tribe and he Kept her and, and several other women safe in a second bathroom that he had and put a bookshelf in front of it.
[00:38:57] So hid them in this bathroom for like [00:39:00] three months or some, some six weeks, some crazy amount of time. And they had this tiny little space and he could only feed them when no one else was around. And they could only flush the toilet when other people in the house flushed the toilet. And I'm telling you a bit more detail to give a sense to the listener of how extreme this was.
[00:39:14] That She heard her family being and her friends being massacred outside of this, you know, like this most horrific, I can't even imagine what she went through. And she tells the story of how She hated them so much while she was in this bathroom, but she just was filled with hate and it was justified hate and she hated and she hated and she wished ill on them.
[00:39:34] And she just because she had nothing to do. She had nowhere to go. She was just stuck in this bathroom for all this time. And she noticed at some point that the more that she hated, the more pain she felt in her body, the more headaches, the more aches, the more actual pain she felt inside of herself, even though she was hating other people, even though she was justified in her hate, they had done terrible things.
[00:39:58] And she through she, she [00:40:00] gives credit to, I think she's Christian or in some way connected with Jesus. And so to her, she gives credit to that, like the Holy spirit, but she made the choice at some point to actually authentically forgive these people. Like really, really. And as soon as she did that, as soon as she really let go of that energy of hate and came into a state of forgiveness and love, which is connected to forgiveness, she was healed in herself.
[00:40:24] And anyway, that story to me just is exactly what you're illustrating that every one of us has the capacity for that level of forgiveness.
[00:40:33] Nicole LePera: Yeah, I have chills. Thank you for sharing, Nathan, that story. It's quite beautiful and I think is really in alignment with kind of the way I think of humanity and. That is to say, it's not to say that people don't do hateful, hurtful things, devastating things to other people. Though I, I truly believe, at least, this could be an unpopular opinion, I believe that is the byproduct of their [00:41:00] deep wounding pain, some of which has been passed down through generations, right, in belief systems and modelled behaviors. Epigenetically, down to our own Physiology, or our own genetic expression and inability to tolerate Emotions. And therefore again going back to this idea to see another person as a human We have to be able to be in a calm grounded state of our nervous system. Because if we're not, if we're in our own trauma reaction, if we're overwhelmed with stress, that survival mode that I referenced earlier will remove the humanity. And this is present in even my own life.
[00:41:37] I'm not just speaking from you know, you know about people who do atrocious things to others I'm speaking about the small atrocious acts of verbal things that I've said to Even those closest to me, my two partners, that I don't mean in a moment where I'm so dysregulated. Because we don't see the human when we're in that state of nervous system dysregulation or in that survival [00:42:00] mode or in our own trauma reaction. Oftentimes again coming from even decades past, not in the current moment. But we don't see this as a person. We lose the humanity.
[00:42:10] We see them as solely the threat to our Physiological again, we're operating in such a physiological state, to our physiological survival. And that's why I know, again, just speaking from my own experience, I say mean things, I can do mean things. I can disconnect myself, shut down all of the love and care and support that I want to, and compassion, that I want to be able to offer those that I'm choosing to spend my life, with really any human, I would want to offer anyone those things and we all become incapable of it.
[00:42:42] And I believe that applies to so a beautiful story that you shared, right? We can, of course, hate the act. feel angry, violated, whatever it is, in grief of what the act has caused. But again, my hope is [00:43:00] that through our own healing, we can learn how to separate the actions and the act from the human, the person, the wounding. And sometimes their own deep pain that they can't tolerate themselves that caused them to act in sometimes very inhumane ways. So I truly believe at our core we all have that capacity to be in connection with love, with compassion, with other people. Again, going back to our ancestors, that's how we survived.
[00:43:31] We've learned to care about the people in our village enough, right? That we were able to join together, whether it was through just division of labor, emotional support and everything in between. Why? Because we can care, we can see another person and see, and this is why the work you do is such a gift to humanity.
[00:43:50] You having these conversations, you being so open on this podcast and your coaching and your men's circle, because as we begin to share more of our own stories, I [00:44:00] think that is one of the greatest healing opportunities just to begin to see the similarity. And I saw this so clear when I first set up.
[00:44:08] So scared to be myself. So not practiced in it individually because I watered down and suppressed and wasn't even connected to myself. Professionally, I was taught not to be an individual in the room with my clients. And as I began to share more of my story the gift, not only for the community that was developing around the world, was for them to see in bits and pieces, maybe not exactly what I experienced, though in bits and pieces of what my experience was, see themselves.
[00:44:38] And then, like I said, I was healed by those comments section. I still spend so much time reading other people because it is in seeing the similarity that again was reflected internationally. It didn't matter where you lived, where your home was, where you were from, what language you spoke. It was very much more similar than it was [00:45:00] dissimilar.
[00:45:00] So I do believe, I think very much like you, that there is so much healing in our own paths of healing which oftentimes are our own moments gifting ourselves with forgiveness and compassion and expanding that gift then outward to other people. And again, the, the gift for humanity, I keep saying gifts because I truly believe it is one is so large.
[00:45:20] It's, I think, beyond even some of our individual comprehensions at this time.
[00:45:24] Nathan Maingard: I love that word so much. I, so my name is Nathan and Nathan means gift. The full, my, my full name is Nathan, but the full expression can be Nathaniel, which is the gift that God has given. And so I, I went by Nate for many years because I was trying to be cool. Like I wanted people to, and I was so insecure and there's a whole story there, but reclaiming Nathan has been a big part of the journey because I honor
[00:45:48] this gift that I am and it's like I when you say gift I feel what you're saying the depths of how each of us is a gift to ourselves and then to the world and Yeah, may we all [00:46:00] remember that more than ever and yeah now more than ever may we all remember. So, thank you Thank you so much again
[00:46:06] Nicole LePera: Of course, and thank you for owning. It's funny. I didn't make a note because I think when we spoke last I think you were still maybe going by Nate and I almost
[00:46:15] Nathan Maingard: first time we spoke. Yeah. Yeah
[00:46:17] Nicole LePera: First time, right? Yep. I was like, I remember a Nate in there, but I saw, you know, you signed on as Nathan. So I'm like, I'm going to, I'm going to go with that now.
[00:46:25] So thank you for embracing yourself and your gifts. Seriously. Again, it is, it is, it goes so beyond us as individuals
[00:46:34] Nathan Maingard: ditto. Ditto. But that's the point. I mean, we are an example of that for, for me in my life. You are an example of that, that how did I get connected with such an incredible human who's doing such good work in the world? I did it by being myself that like, it could never have happened if I was still running the old stories that I ran.
[00:46:50] You know 15 years ago 10 15 years ago. And so this is the proof is that we have this interaction. Everything you say to me as a compliment. I'm, just looking at you going. Yes you [00:47:00] And so it's like that's just so beautiful. I actually wanted to ask one more little question before the kind of final closing question, but and this is actually related to the challenge of authenticity that, because whether we're inauthentic or authentic, someone's going to be upset about it.
[00:47:17] And in fact, probably many someone's, and that's just a reality. And I came across some. Some articles and some writing and some sharing and, and even some Instagram pages, and it, it really sh, I felt shocked when I saw it, I, because it was basically saying, Dr. Nicole is a terrible, I don't know what, I don't, all the words.
[00:47:36] I don't even want to go there, but it was like horrible stuff. And they really had a lot of mean things to say. And I just, having had these conversations with you, having followed you since before really many people knew what you were doing out there in the world. I just, it was like a, a very jarring experience because it was completely outside of anything that made sense to my reality.
[00:47:57] So I would, I would, if you're available to it, I know it's [00:48:00] not necessarily a comfortable thing, but speaking to that kind of relational dynamic of, as I, as you, as people step out more authentically into the world, there is more risk because then the, the sort of judgment comes on our authentic selves. And I would just, yeah, I'd love to hear you speak to that.
[00:48:17] Nicole LePera: Feeling being, I should say, not just feeling, being, and all the feelings go along with being misinterpreted not liked. Just having people have alternate opinions where, sometimes they are misconstruing and taking, pieces of my authentic perspective that I'm dedicated to sharing as I've been, exploring here with you is one of the greatest and continues, though, I've learned how to navigate that a bit better.
[00:48:46] And I'll go into it a bit more about that. That was 1 of my greatest fears, which prevented me for decades, from not sharing my opinion, my perspectives, my lived experience for so long was: what will people think? I don't want to [00:49:00] upset, disappoint, hurt, or give them any reason to misinterpret right what it is that I'm saying. And it prevented me from speaking for a very long time. And in the beginning, I actually have embodied such a evolution in myself, there was a time, especially early on the first couple years I was on Instagram, when I would talk on podcasts as I started to get that opportunity. I would notice like a, a censor. Because I was very trained as well as the clinician, to always be aware of what I was presenting, how I was saying things in the room, in the clinical room with my clients and, almost like running the script through in my head before I would go to share it to make sure that I would share it in the most neutral way possible.
[00:49:42] So I was having that same sort of process happening in the beginning and, and I have, I noticed that as a result, I wasn't maybe giving my full opinion on certain things or, I was dancing around certain topics, afraid of what people would would say or [00:50:00] do with it. And in the beginning as I started to see, you know, even doing that, trying to be everything for everyone, not say Things that could be upsetting or be construed as like things I shouldn't be talking about as you know the title that I am. It still was met with moments of misinterpretation. moments of upset, moments of disappointment where people think I shouldn't be saying those things or talking about whatever it is. So working through all of that really helped me embrace the very wise truth that you're suggesting here, which is that there will be, we're all viewing the world, and as I continued my own healing journey of seeing all of the filters, right, that I viewed the world through, that caused my own upset and Misinterpretation. Seeing that my personal relationships, seeing that when things upset me online, right?
[00:50:50] We're all filtering the world through our past experiences through our own, you know individual viewpoint and really understanding not [00:51:00] only that as a macro but also again, the, the unique challenge that I think I pose to some communities. You know, I read, I read all of it as it came out, I was, I'd read it, I'd spent a lot of time trying to understand what are these people's perspectives, you know, like, can I pull out of what I think I'm saying and doing and how I'm being and try on for size this other way that someone is experiencing me or my work or interpreting it? Because I think that's an important and helpful part, right, is to step out of our own perspective and, of course, doing so with those that we feel safe and secure with and known to, you know, not just taking anyone on the internet, though, knowing and seeing myself becoming more public, I was like, okay, well, these people are saying that, let me step out of myself and try it on for size. Though, getting really grounded again, even just wrapping this entire conversation up, with my own self, right? And my own Authenticity. And having people in my personal life that were holding me accountable when I wasn't seeing [00:52:00] My own, you know, blind spots in a way, allowed me then to try on for size, how people were interpreting my work.
[00:52:07] What they thought I was saying or doing or what I thought they thought I shouldn't say or do. And getting more and more confident and grounded and secure in my own space, my intention, my meaning, sometimes even objectively what it is that I said, even though I'm seeing right, something else entirely. Like, I mean, there's where I'm like, I have never once said the things like I've never once told anyone not to get therapy or take medication. I'm very, you know, intentional it's to each our own. And I've actually saw myself be cited of saying the complete opposite in some context. So right in those moments, I'm like, okay, I can be assured. Like I have, if you will, the receipts of my entire Instagram presence where never once and in my books, right, where I talk about other factors that contribute to our own trauma and intergenerational trauma, like I have it visually.
[00:52:57] So. So. I got more and more grounded in [00:53:00] that. Though, something that I do want to piece in here. Cause it's absolutely, as you get authentic and clear and begin to speak, even if it's in your own, you know, community circles or publicly as we're doing, there will be people who are misinterpreting, right. Who are kind of filtering.
[00:53:16] And while again, such a large part of my journey, like I've been sharing is tolerating that, tolerating how I feel when I've upset someone, when they've just downright said something I said that I didn't say. And now they're upset about it. Because I've learned that they're oftentimes, again, going back to even this conversation piece, if they're not open to hearing, there's nothing you can formulate in just the perfect way to get them to see that you didn't actually say that thing, right?
[00:53:41] Because they're in their own emotional reaction at that time. So I've learned that too. So I've learned how to tolerate how I feel and give others and sometimes communities of others the space to feel as they do with whatever interpretation they're seeing and hearing and making of my work. And [00:54:00] then because I spent a lot of time, like I said, I've, I've read it all. It's my responsibility to be really aware of how much I'm giving time, attention and engagement to it. Because what I noticed when I'm dysregulated, when I'm stressed, when I'm not taking care of my physical and my emotional self, at least historically, I would find myself in my own version of doom scrolling.
[00:54:25] I'd go seek out, well, what's that page again? And what are they saying now? Because my body was so dysregulated and upset, right? And I, I knew it was there and I would match, right? Well, okay. I'm feeling upset. So I wouldn't look for something motivating. I wouldn't even go to my beautiful community at the same time, Nathan, is celebrating all of the empowerment and the beautiful transformation. I'd almost delete that because I was so dysregulated in myself, that I would go on my own version of doom scrolling and I do my little rounds of all of the dissenters as [00:55:00] I call them and almost upset myself more. So the shift I've now seen is not only is that censoring voice, I'm in so much more of a flow state now when I speak because I'm, I'm no longer worrying as much about, you know, outside of trying to be a kind, compassionate person and I do believe I'm able to deliver most of my messages in a very kind, compassionate way.
[00:55:20] I'm not necessarily worrying about what people are going to say or do, because I assume they will. I've created space and allowing, I'm not going to invalidate anyone's truth. If that's what they believe me to be for whatever reason, then that's who I am for them. There's nothing I'm going to say or do.
[00:55:34] I'm going to hope that continuing to live in alignment will send out different energy, might shift over time. And I've had people who've actually come back from, you know, those perceptions and who have, I've seen messages by that were like, wow, that, you know, thank you for continuing to be, you know, who you are because I now see you in the work much more differently.
[00:55:54] And I continue to take responsibility for myself. So now I spend far less, if [00:56:00] ever, will you find me doom scrolling anymore. I do something else with my agitated energy when I'm upset, which is not going online to validate that I'm this terrible, horrible person that people think I am. But I just wanted to add that part in, because I think there is a responsibility that many of us can take. Because when we're upset inside, it's so easy to try and find or even find our way back to relationships that validate that upset, that unworthiness, that despicable person or whatever it is, we can see that reflection back and that's where we can empower ourself to say, okay, that's there and you have a right to feel that way for whatever reason. And I'm going to intentionally choose to put my energy and my time and my, you know, kind of headspace somewhere else.
[00:56:43] Nathan Maingard: Mm. I love that you told that story because it's just, it's such a, I mean, it's intense and I imagine it feels intense at the moment, but it's also such a funny thing that we do as humans. It reminds me of Ram Dass. He said, I don't know the exact quote, but something like [00:57:00] If we're driving through a town and we're hungry, we'll notice all the restaurants.
[00:57:04] If we're driving through a town and we need gas, we'll notice all the gas stations. If we're tired, we'll notice all the hostels, the hotels. And so it's this basically what we, people could ask, you know, what do you see in the world? And I would say, well, what I'm looking at. Like what i'm that that's what I see. And so So really what I hear from you and it's just, i'm so glad, it's such a human thing. And you've actually given me more insight into some of the behaviors about myself I'm, like why do I sometimes do that, when I just seek out like really nasty like i'll go and watch Like 20 minutes of movie trailers on youtube like just trailer after trailer I'm, like why am I doing this is utterly pointless, but I realize it's it's kind of, it's helping me to stay in the pattern of whatever that agitation is that feels most resonant with where I am in that moment.
[00:57:50] So, I mean, that is such a beautiful invitation to anyone listening of like, notice the what's behind the pattern. What is the pattern that you're [00:58:00] playing out saying about your state in this moment? I mean, that's just a beautiful awareness to bring to something. So thank you for that. Wow.
[00:58:07] Nicole LePera: I keep repeating your, your quote, was it, what do I see whatever I'm looking at? That was just my whole body lit up, when you said that. That is just so much truth and beauty in that statement and wisdom
[00:58:20] Nathan Maingard: Thank you, Nicole. Well, I know we're reaching close to time here, so I want to, I really honor that. And the final question, which you've now answered already once before, and I'm curious to hear how it lands for you now, but when you hear the words, we are already free, what comes up?
[00:58:36] Nicole LePera: What comes up is the physiological reality of the freedom that I believe lives in the hearts and the essence and the energy and the spirit and the soul and the uniqueness of each of our beings. I think we come packaged. from the moment of birth, of course, people have events that happen, you know, kind of in utero, though our pure essence is, is one of freedom [00:59:00] of connection with ourself, of self expression, purpose of passion, of creativity, of imagination.
[00:59:06] And that doesn't go away, even for the many of you listening who might, like me at that one time that I was sharing, don't, you know, have those components or resonate with those aspects of your being now. Again, that is a byproduct, not of who you are at your core, you are already free. The freedom is in your heart, the endless energy of compassion and love that lives there in each of us, and the reason we feel not free, again, is such a byproduct of our conditioning that can absolutely be unlearned, rewired.
[00:59:39] Again, whether any of the work that you meet, whether it's on social media or any of the books that is not only work of empowerment, my hope, but work of actually this neurological, mind body, physiological rewiring that we are all capable of. The body is so powerful. And so for even those of us that are feeling so [01:00:00] stuck, again, just to apply to this conversation about relationships, so stuck in sometimes generational habits of dysfunction that have just been passed on to us.
[01:00:09] The freedom is there beneath all of it, again, in your hearts.
[01:00:13] Nathan Maingard: Well, now I feel all lit up. So thank you so much, Nicole, for all that you are, for your authenticity, for doing this beautiful work and, and teaching so many of us how to do it as well. And I said this in the, in the last conversation we had about your previous book around, it's just so amazing, that you bring together these incredibly diverse and oftentimes overwhelming and complex or feel seemingly complex ideas and sciences and practices and tools, and, and just bring it into these books that are actual toolkits for transformation that someone could just.
[01:00:51] buy and, and follow along. So again, from, for me personally, and I'm sure for many who are listening now, thank you so much and yeah, just such [01:01:00] an honor to have you here on we are already free and to, to know you in the world. What a blessing. Thank you.
[01:01:04] Nicole LePera: Thank such an honor. Of course, Nathan. I mean, you literally saw me and my work so many years ago now it feels like. That is never lost on me. I am always going to be here to have many more hopeful conversations into the future with you. It's so meaningful. Everyone is who's been there from the beginning, and of course who've joined now,
[01:01:25] what I really, truly believe is a movement along the way of empowered individuals who are intentionally creating their lives in a new way. Though I'm particularly, you know, very grateful for people like yourself who, so early on, saw what it was that I was seeing or doing what it was that I was doing, you've been such an integral part of my own journey to, to again, feel less alone, feel more grounded in action now in what it is that I am doing.
[01:01:52] And of course I extend that gratitude to all of you listening. Whether you've heard of my work before or just now meeting my work. I truly believe in the power [01:02:00] of all of us that are continuing these conversations and continuing this work in our communities. So thank you all for your service.
[01:02:08] Nathan Maingard: Thank everybody. What a blessing. Thanks again, Nicole.
[01:02:12] Thank you again to dear Dr. Nicole for your presence on the We Are Already Free podcast. Your beingness fills me with hope, joy and gratitude. Of course, dear listener, in this conversation we barely scratched the surface on how to be the love you seek, so to get the tools, strategies and guidance you need to have more fulfilling relationships, find links to Nicole's book, holistic psychologist, Instagram page, and more in your podcast app show notes, or directly at already free. me.
[01:02:41] You beautiful being whoever you are out there, I'm imagining you right now, maybe driving in your car with a smile on your face, or you're in your kitchen washing the dishes, or you're on a walk, or you're jogging, or maybe you're lying on your couch, or you're on the back porch, or who knows where you are.
[01:02:57] But you are somewhere in this world in this moment, [01:03:00] having this experience of hearing this podcast. Thank you. Thank you so much for being a part of this. This has been episode number five, zero, number 50. I wasn't sure we were going to get here at times. I really thought that I was going to fail. And this is a big conversation, which maybe is outside of the scope of this, but seeing as you're still listening, I'll give you a little insight.
[01:03:19] I am. an enthusiast. It's part of my makeup. I get very excited about things, I get passionate, and the things that I'm passionate about, I'm very skilled at communicating and getting other people excited about and all those wonderful things. The challenge there is when the excitement fades or when it gets hard or when I haven't achieved what I thought I was meant to achieve by a certain time.
[01:03:40] I have had a tendency in the past and, and as part of my makeup is that I'll go, well, I guess this isn't meant to be, and I'll leave, I'll stop doing the thing, whatever that is. And this podcast that nearly happened a few months ago, things were kind of plateauing. I've been struggling to work out how do I really make this a sustainable part of my business [01:04:00] because I love doing it.
[01:04:00] Obviously, if you listen to this, then you know how much I love doing it. And it also needs to be a part of a sustainable business model that it brings in income. It brings in clients. It brings in cool people who I can work with and, and be supported by and support them and all those wonderful things.
[01:04:14] And I was feeling plateaued. And so I reached this point of like, do I shut the podcast down first option, or do I even go deeper recommit reinvest? And that's what I chose to do. I chose to invest in an incredible year long podcast coaching program that I'm now working on and you'll hear some of the changes around that.
[01:04:33] I've started offering a free Access to my five day morning practice challenge and you're going to hear the little outro ad for that in a moment Which i'm really proud of i'm excited and I feel like it speaks to some Of the real challenges that some of us face in the world, etc, etc but the feeling i've had interestingly enough and Maybe this is something you can relate to when you've been reaching those points of inflection where it's like, do I keep going?
[01:04:55] Do I change my job? Do I go deeper? Do I, what is the thing that I need to do right now? Do [01:05:00] I go deeper into this relationship? Do I leave the relationship? Do I move to a new place? Do I stay here? Et cetera. What I found in this case Is that by recommitting to this thing, also knowing that this podcast is fully aligned with my life purpose.
[01:05:11] Like I know that because I've done the work to get clear on my purpose and all that stuff. So I don't have that doubt anymore, which really has helped me a lot, but I still have the moments of like, Oh my gosh, this isn't happening in the way it's meant to. And am I wasting my time, et cetera, et cetera. but saying all of that, I chose to reinvest.
[01:05:27] And by doing so what's happened. Is that I've actually rediscovered that enthusiasm. I feel again, the deep excitement and the passion and the joy. So I wonder how many times in my life when I just thought it was like, Oh, well, this isn't working anymore. So I quit. If I had in fact doubled down and turned in and gone deeper and reinvested in whatever that relationship, job, place, whatever, what that was, what could I have found there?
[01:05:51] I've also found that in my relationship with my partner, Carly, we've been together nearly eight years now. We're getting married by the way. Yay. Um, but I've found that [01:06:00] in that process, every time we go through something difficult and I recommit in myself to myself and to her and stay and go deeper, that I get more out of it.
[01:06:10] I get the enthusiasm. It reignites that beautiful passion and it actually expands it, which is, I know what we've been talking about in this episode. How cool is that? So. Um, yeah, just wanted to share that with you and thank you without you this wouldn't be happening You are listening to this podcast. It happens because you are here.
[01:06:27] You are amazing. I appreciate the fuck out of you So, thank you. I would love to to hear any thoughts you feel to share as always You can get in touch via my usual channels go to already free Dot me and you'll find all the ways to reach out to me there And that is all i'm gonna Take us over to the, to the ad now for the morning practice challenge.
[01:06:49] And I'd love to hear your thoughts on that as well. I think it's super cool. So I think you should listen to that. Um, but until next time I wish you blessings and yeah, can't wait. Thank you for being here on episode five [01:07:00] oh. Super cool.
[01:07:01] If you get that awkward, oh dang, that's me feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize that your deepest morning relationship is with the selfish partner known only as your phone. And if you're tired of feeling disconnected from your own authentic needs and the people around you, then I have a precious gift for you.
[01:07:21] The struggle to break free from the morning scroll can leave you feeling disempowered, affecting not just your mornings, but your overall well being and relationships. Imagine how your life would change if you prioritized a more meaningful relationship with yourself and in turn with others, starting from the moment you wake up each day.
[01:07:43] Presenting my free five day morning practice challenge. And I know, I know you probably already know how amazing a morning practice is and you also know that it's hard to establish and it's hard to maintain or maybe you've never even tried because of those limitations. That's why this [01:08:00] challenge is designed to fit you, your unique needs, your time availability.
[01:08:04] And by the end of the five days, you'll be left with a customized, impactful and useful morning practice designed for you that takes only a few minutes a day to complete. And remember, it is completely free. By participating in this challenge, you'll receive daily practices and tools to cultivate self love and nurture deeper connections with yourself and therefore those around you.
[01:08:26] It's a journey of self discovery and empowerment that only takes a few minutes a day, Yet its impact extends far beyond the morning hours. So if you're ready to break free from the cycle of disconnection and phone scrolling, and instead start your day with intention and positivity, join me in this transformative challenge.
[01:08:45] Visit alreadyfree. me slash yes, or check your show notes, to take the first step towards a better relationship with yourself and those you care about. Begin your morning practice now. I'll see you next week, and please [01:09:00] remember, we are already free.